Things I hate about Paris
Ahhh Paris. Millions of people dreaming to live in this city of light. All of you are mesmerized by her beauty you saw on movies. Well, after lived there for 30 months, i know very well those are not entirely true. Don't get me wrong, i love this city so much, I willing to do anything to be back. I can write hundreds of good things about living here. But meh, that's not fun. Just saw the movie or read other people blogs. Here i wanna show you the different side of living here. The things i hate, things that make Paris,.. Paris. Btw, you should read a book A Year in Merde by a Brit who work in Paris for one year. I laughed so hard all people in the bus afraid of me.
In the metro
Apartment
Administration
In school
It's all about money
"Sais pas"
This 2 words 7 letters sentence is the best words to express how the Parisian doesn't give a fuck. Go to any government office, or when ask direction to someone, 99,99% chance they will say this magical word. It means "I don't know" and they just don't want to spend their precious 5 seconds in their life to help someone in need. Why? Sais pas.
"C'est pas mon problem"
This is Parisian mantra. There's big chance they combine with "sais pas". When I asked for UK Visa, i forgot to bring one document. I said i will be back in one hour, but they said i have to make new appointment next week. I said impossible, because i already bought the ticket. And what they said? Those mantra. That's not my fucking problem. The French doesn't want to be disturbed, even that's their freaking job. Other case, I didn't received my housing scholarship for A YEAR. And I have to call and send letters hundred times, screaming, go to their office every day until they sick of you. Or when i want to go back to Indonesia, i only have one hour transit in Dubai but I have to collect my luggage first. I said impossible, the gate must be already closed when I get there. And do you have any damn idea how big Dubai airport is? What the lady said? The more polite version, "c'est pas notre problem”. It's not Air France problem, ask Emirates. After spent one hour screaming to manager, finally it's done. And remember, i used French. What? You can't speak French? Well...fuck you. C'est pas mon problem.
And now, behold. The king of assholeness that can turn you from the Pope to Hitler in just one second. THE PARISIAN SHRUG.
In the metro
- When you realize you forget to bring your metro card. Too far to go back home but too expensive to buy. Most dillematic moment ever.
- When some asshole squeeze with you to pass the turnstile. Without saying please and thank you. But then you saw him get caught by inspector. Oh dear heaven, what a nice feeling.
- When there's inspection when your card doesn't valid. Here's my one week budget food, Monsieur.
- When you take wrong platform and have to wait five minutes for the card to reset.
- When you take wrong direction so you have to go back.
- When someone standing peacefully on the left in escalator during rush hour. Fuck off!
- When some tourists run and smashed everyone to get in. Even the next train arrives in damn two minutes.
- When they speak so loud. Worse if they speak in Spanish. Si si si pero pero porque? Porque?! while all of them speak simultaneously. Shut uuuuuuup!!!
- When shitty musician strikes. Especially when they play instrument made by Satan himself, the Bagpipe. Or ear-exploding screeching accordion.
- When someone play music so loud you can hear in entire train even they use headphone. Fake €2 Beats to be precise. Deaf in 3..2..1..
- When someone perfectly healthy sit innocently in fold chair even the train is damn crowd.
- When bunch of bastard try to pickpocket me. You want to be rich? Create a phone-like taser gun. So when they steal it from you, activate it and let them electrocuted... till die. That's a billion euro idea you know.
- When there's strike in your important day.
- When someone jumps on popular metro line. And during rush hour. For God sake, don't jump on RER B. Jump on tram or line 3B. Or just go to Saint Denis. They'll happily kill you.
- When someone doesn't want to give way even after I screamed "Pardon Pardon pardon" like lunatic. Then the door closed. Putaaaaaaain!
- When someone stopped so suddenly when they realize they took wrong exit.
- When you validate airport ticket instead of normal one. Fuuuuuu...
- When it smell like a pee. It's the largest toilet in Europe.
- "Bonjour monsieur damme, je n'ai pas travail. Si vous des pieces ou un ticket restaurant bla bla bla.." I miss that regular beggar. I even remember his speech.
- When you bring heavy luggage. There's no escalator.
- When you take RER B during rush hour. Oh the smell. Hot like hell.
- When you have to change in Chatelet, Montparnasse, or Gare de Lyon. Like a 10k walk. Damn far.
- When you arrived in Gates of Hell: Gare du Nord, Chatelet, and Gare du Nord.
- When you live in North but your school in south. It took me 34 stations every day to school from Aubersvilliers to Boulogne.
- When you really have to pee. Toilets? You wish! I buy the movie ticket just to use the toilet. Or if you lucky, go to McDo.
- When you step on dogshit. Do you know 650 Parisian end up in hospital after step on it? 15 tons of poop dumped by 200.000 dogs every year. Damn, that's equal to Chinese tourist during winter. Summer? Guess how many.
- When a tourist complained after I took them a photo. It's not my fault you're ugly.
- When I saw a mom yelling and beating her kids. Ruin my day.
- Do you speak English? Do you speak English. While asking me to sign. God how I wanna punch their face.
- Lima satu Euro. Five one euro.
- When it took longer to find an empty parking space than to go to Netherlands.
- Try to call for taxi. I challenge you.
- When a couple kiss so passionately. Geez, go get a room (I think this is jealousy not hate).
- When a couple kiss so passionately. Same sex. Geez, go get a bunker.
- When you see incredibly hot girl and you realized not even in your dream you can have gf like that.
- When you see incredibly hot guy and you see yourself in mirror.
- When you see Chinese tourist bought Hermes bag worthy your one year scholarship. Not just one, but three. In cash. Fuck.
- When a whole village of tourists just stand there in the middle of fucking road.
- We're having lunch here. Come back after we finish this lunch or after whenever we want. Everything closed at lunch.
- Everything closed on sunday. Whaaaaaaaat???
Apartment
- Finding an apartment is more difficult than find a wife.
- When you live in northern Paris. Or in zone 5. Don't you dare call yourself Parisian, you banlieur! Nah, I wish I lived outside the city.
- When you live in 9th floor but the elevator is broken. Or when there's no elevator at all. You poor bastard.
- When you live in attic with 45 degree ceiling. It's a storage room for Toblerone. (I have some friends live here).
- When your heater broke in winter.
- When you accidentally scratch the wall. You're in deep shit, boy.
- When your neighbors made a lot of noise during exam weeks.
- Pray to God you don't have problems with keys and plumbing.
Administration
- When you forget to bring a piece of documents and you've to make a new appointment.
- Ah appointment. Even to see the doctor. I'm sick NOW. Why the fuck you only available in three days?
- Immigration sucks monkey balls.
- After wait three hours and I was in wrong office. Putttttttaaaain!
- When you arrived really early in the morning but there's already long queue.
- Online? Defuq is that? Come here by yourself! And bring the hard copy!
In school
- When the teacher was not coming after 15 minutes but right when we want to back home, he comes. Goddammit.
- When there's class in Monday morning during winter. And when you arrived, the class was cancelled. Please kill me now.
- When the exam was based entirely on the class you skipped.
- That feeling before you see your grades. Your heart beats as fast as pickpocket.
- When your favorite teacher gave you really bad score.
- When you realized you forgot to return books you borrowed long time ago. Jambon!!!
It's all about money
- When scholarship payment arrived late and you only have €10 for one week.
- When you reach the limit so you can't take more money from ATM.
- The moment before you check your balance after coming home from trip.
- When you see that red number. Oh the horror.
- When you order something online but it never arrived. Connard!
- When the cashier give change entirely in cents.
- When your crush asked you to eat in fancy resto which equal to your one week budget.
- When you have to hold that temptation not to buy anything during sales period.
"Sais pas"
This 2 words 7 letters sentence is the best words to express how the Parisian doesn't give a fuck. Go to any government office, or when ask direction to someone, 99,99% chance they will say this magical word. It means "I don't know" and they just don't want to spend their precious 5 seconds in their life to help someone in need. Why? Sais pas.
"C'est pas mon problem"
This is Parisian mantra. There's big chance they combine with "sais pas". When I asked for UK Visa, i forgot to bring one document. I said i will be back in one hour, but they said i have to make new appointment next week. I said impossible, because i already bought the ticket. And what they said? Those mantra. That's not my fucking problem. The French doesn't want to be disturbed, even that's their freaking job. Other case, I didn't received my housing scholarship for A YEAR. And I have to call and send letters hundred times, screaming, go to their office every day until they sick of you. Or when i want to go back to Indonesia, i only have one hour transit in Dubai but I have to collect my luggage first. I said impossible, the gate must be already closed when I get there. And do you have any damn idea how big Dubai airport is? What the lady said? The more polite version, "c'est pas notre problem”. It's not Air France problem, ask Emirates. After spent one hour screaming to manager, finally it's done. And remember, i used French. What? You can't speak French? Well...fuck you. C'est pas mon problem.
And now, behold. The king of assholeness that can turn you from the Pope to Hitler in just one second. THE PARISIAN SHRUG.
Actually this is simple way to say, "i don't care". But the Parisian evolve it to whole new level. Combine it with two sentences above then congratulations! You are now officially a Parisian! A lost tourist ask you for direction? Say to him, "je sais pas, je parle pas Anglais, c'est pas mon problem" while do the shrug. BAM! Or you can add saying BOF (like bfffff) in the end. At first I was amazed how a human being can show an ultimate version of "i don't give a fuck". For several months, i was so mad that the only thing I didn't punch them in the face was because I was afraid being deported. But then as I become more Parisian, i do it regularly, and holy boules de cannard, I love it! Could you please help me bring my groceries? Desolee, i'm busy. Do the shrug, and just walk away.
Damn, this is perfect Parisian shrug. Notice the lips, the eyebrow, shoulders, hands, all create a perfect symphony of "I don't give a shit". Bravo!
But still, living in Paris was the best time in my life. I miss that city so much. And the Parisian is not all that bad. Everytime I meet Parisian tourist, we become best friend in seconds. I lived for a while in Vienna and Berlin, but for me, Paris is still the best. The city is so colorful, full of life, so many cool events, you never get bored. If one day i become rich, i wouldn't mind live there one more time. Paris, tu me manques :(
Damn, this is perfect Parisian shrug. Notice the lips, the eyebrow, shoulders, hands, all create a perfect symphony of "I don't give a shit". Bravo!
But still, living in Paris was the best time in my life. I miss that city so much. And the Parisian is not all that bad. Everytime I meet Parisian tourist, we become best friend in seconds. I lived for a while in Vienna and Berlin, but for me, Paris is still the best. The city is so colorful, full of life, so many cool events, you never get bored. If one day i become rich, i wouldn't mind live there one more time. Paris, tu me manques :(
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